November 30, 2009

My Life At Bennigan's.



This is a picture of me taken somewhere around 2001. It's me in a DX shirt next to my girlfriend at the time Debby and our friend Kendra. We're at a Bennigan's restaurant there, the one that used to be next to my old bookstore in Arizona. After work most of us would walk down there and close the bar. Everyone knew who I was. Everyone knew my name and liked me. They're cheer my name when I walked in. And most nights, since we knew everyone, we'd all go to the head bartender's house and drink some more and smoke out until the wee hours of the morning.

I was drunk back then, sure. But I was also careless and happy and free. I had no responsibilities, no bills, and I could do whatever I wanted to do.

I loved my life back then. I miss it so much.

November 18, 2009

Religion.

I was a Catholic from first grade on out. I was a devout catholic. I went to church every sunday and even helped out with the service and the singing. I prayed and I read the bible and I felt like the hard of God touched me. When I got older I entered myself into a Catholic high school youth program. I engaged! I traveled to see the Pope! I acted the role of Jesus in front of 2,000 Arizona high school teens! I was entirely catholic and it felt good!

Then I got older. I graduated high school and entered into college. I started counseling Catholic high school teens and being more active in my church. Then I started doubting everything. I wasn't sure. I desperately longed for that headfirst love for God that I used to have. Then I eventually broke off entirely from the catholic church. It happened somewhere around my 21st birthday. I just felt nothing. God wasn't there for me anymore. And I wondered if he was ever there at all.

Something tells me, though, that the REAL reason why I left the faith was the alcohol, the booze, the non-stop drinking and fucking and cursing and fighting that consumed pretty much my entire twentysomethings. Sometimes I think the only reason why I quit being catholic was the drinking.

Don't get me wrong. I love my life and the religion I created that has porpeled me into worldwide fame ...



But sometimes I wonder how my life would have been different if I didn't jump headfirst into an angry, boozy 20-year-old.

September 28, 2009

Gordita.

I loved Sarah. Young, cute, smart, funny and secretly kinky as fuck.

But my parents would refer to her as "la gordita." That's essentially spanish for "the fat chick." I think my dad, seriously, knew her more as la gordita than as Sarah.

That always hurt. And still does. Kinda.

May 7, 2009

Guilty Pleasures.

I usually don't believe in guilty pleasures. Either you like something or you don't. I don't believe in hating yourself just because you like something. That just seems senseless to me.


However, I am deeply ashamed of how much I like this stupid song.


Samwell: What What (In The Butt)

May 4, 2009

Our Wedding Anniversary.

We WERE going to go out and have a fancy dinner, then so see a movie. But we can't afford any of that, so we'll just be spending the day at home doing nothing.

Then the day AFTER that we were going to go see a free sneak preview of the new Star Trek movie. But now we're not going to.

My biggest plans always get flushed. I never get happiness.

March 25, 2009

Pain.



I have cramp so bad I want to cry. I don't know what's wrong but I think I might be passing gall stones. It hurts so bad.


But then I hate myself for feeling so bad. I got that from my parents. You're not sick. Suck it up. Don't be such a crybaby. So then I hate myself for feeling bad, which makes me want to cut myself some more.


I hate my life sometimes.

March 16, 2009

Childhood Halloween Costume.

This is a picture of me one Halloween when I was a kid. I am supposed to be a caveman ...




Every time I see this photo I feel like such a fucking idiot, me with the big glasses and the stupid look on my face.


People have no idea how much I hate myself.